Don't Think, Just Do

Here is my crash course on what a conversation should consist of:

• Eye Contact – Nothing shows confidence like eye contact.  Nothing is as awkward as talking to someone who does not look you in the eye.
• Confidence – Here is an article I wrote on confidence.  It is long, but I think it is worthwhile.
• Smile – Nothing shows confidence like smiling… and eye contact and no one wants to be talking to someone who is mundane and emotionless.  Try to work on this in the mirror, a lot of people’s smiles look fake, now that could make a conversation awkward quick.  So make sure you have a good smile that slowly takes over your whole face, don’t just whip it out as quick as you can.  Let it slowly fill up.  Think about smiling with your eyes too, that might sound ridiculous, and it’s tough for me to explain but I’m sure you know what it looks like when someone’s eyes are filled with happiness.  If you can portray happiness with your facial expression, you will portray and be confident which makes the party to which you are speaking more confident in you and the conversation at hand.
• Slow Down – Literally.  Slow it down.  Make sure you think about what you’re going to say before you say it.  If things seem to come out choppy or the wrong way a lot for you, you are going too fast.  I used to do this when I was very young, it is easier than you think to fix.  You are anxious to say something so you just start talking without having a game plan.  Do not worry about taking a second or two to think about what you are going to say next, believe me, it will go unnoticed and before you know it you won’t notice it either.  Get your game plan in order first, and then say what you want to say clearly and loudly, which brings me to my next point.
• Be Loud – You don’t have to shout, but since you have taken a second to put together your thoughts, don’t be afraid to let them be heard.  Get your game plan, speak clear, and speak loud.
• Be Animated – Talk like an Italian!  Moves those hands, but don’t be ridiculous and try to keep the sound effects to a minimum.  This is a good one to hold off on for a bit if you are not sure exactly where the happy medium is.  Keep your eyes open and try to be more attentive to other people you deem successful that are using their bodies to emphasize what they are saying.  Once you feel you have a good idea of where you should be, and then implement, you’ll be pleasantly surprised how much this adds to a conversation and it will lead you right to my next point.
• Physical Contact – BE VERY CAREFUL WITH THIS!  Definitely hold off on this one, even if you feel like you know what you’re doing.  Again, be attentive to other people see as successful using touch in their conversation, it is usually not very often with casual conversation but can be very powerful.  Stay away from wrists and obviously other inappropriate places.  Hands are tough to judge as well, it would probably have to do something with the conversation for you to be touching her hands.  The most effective physical contact will be a light touching of her arm with an open hand using the very tips of your fingers most commonly used while laughing with your body slightly leaning toward her, as if slightly incapacitated by the laughter.  Another common use of physical contact is the shoulder hold.  This can be used if consoling her about something as a physical message saying “I’m sorry to hear that, it will be ok, and I’m here to talk if you would like.”  Or after a teasing joke as if to say “now you wouldn’t… whatever you were talking about here.”  Again, touching can be very dangerous and if you see any physical signs that she is pulling away stop immediately, if you push physical contact you will come across as a creep.
• Physical Contact with a Stranger – Sounds fun right?  This is a nice little way to start some sparks with someone before you have even talked to them I thought I’d throw in here.  Just brush a nice looking girl and make some nice eye contact after.  If a pretty girl is in your way, put your hand on her shoulder gently to get her attention and say “excuse me,” but hold that hand there a little longer than you would a man and when you take it off, slowly slide it off (not sliding to far of course) . This will make it have some pretty solid sexual undertones.  If you get a nice smile back then you can start talking to her.  About what thought?  Read on.
• Be Alert to Physical Messages – This is definitely a tough topic that can be infinitely expanded on, and that you will get better at with some time and practice.  You really just want to try and see through people.  Try to pick up on the little physical nuances that anyone portrays in different circumstances.  Would you say that person is uncomfortable?  Why or why not?  What would you say that person is feeling?  Why?  Or, she just scratched her upper arm and looked down, what could that mean?  Maybe she is embarrassed or uncomfortable about what we are talking about, either way, I should change the topic.  Hopefully you see how this can be an extremely useful tool to have.  Unfortunately, this is going to vary from case to case and I feel like you are only going to really become good with it if you practice it a lot and are actively trying to decode these physical messages in all sorts of social circumstances.

Have you noticed that I have written all this and still have not even touched upon the actual verbal conversation yet?  I didn’t realize until I really started to analyze this stuff that so much of conversation is non-verbal.  Two people can be saying the exact same thing and one will be very interesting while the other seems like he or she is just rambling on.  Master the above techniques and conversation will become easier.  Then use it in conjunction with the below techniques and you will be comfortable talking to anyone in any circumstance.  Now for the verbal conversation guidelines:

• Get the Name and remember it! – You need to get that name anchored with that face.  When you are introduced to someone, say their name right back to they.  “Hello Sam, it’s nice to meet you.”  Look them right in the eyes and take a couple seconds to say their name five times in your head.  Nothing is more welcoming then someone who remembers your name.
• Be Interested in the Other Person – Be more interested in them then you.  Pretend you are going to take a test on this person after you are done talking to them and your teacher is a bitch who quizzes you on all the little details.  When you listen to someone else talk, you will hear these little details, they are gold my friend.  Everyone drops little hints on where they want the conversation to go.  Pay close attention and see if you can find these little hints, then ask about them.You: Damn, it’s raining hard out there.
  Her: Yeah!  My poor little shoes are going to be ruined!
  or
  Her: Yeah, what happened to summer?  I don’t know when I’ll get to play tennis!

  Here you can see that the topic you should peruse is shoes and tennis.  Sorry mate, you’re going to have to get interested in shoes quick if you want to entertain this gal, I’d go for the athletic one myself.  This is an obvious example just to show you what I am talking about.  You won’t necessarily get goldmines like these in the opening sentences of many conversations.
  If you can’t seem to find these little topics then use the question “why.”  Ask why about whatever.  Or, “how do you feel about…”  Try not to ask for factual things about factual things, we want feelings here.  You can look up facts on Wikipedia later, let’s find out how this person feels about the topic and why.  Be critical, but never harsh.  Be critical as if you would not have thought about it that way and you are intrigued to see why they think this way.  This is another one of those things you are going to have to just practice a lot.  So keep alert!  Keep searching for these little details.

• Keep up to date with current events – A lot of your conversation will be on current events.  You don’t want to look like a fool when someone starts talking about the hot news and you have absolutely no clue what they are talking about.  Also, current events are always great things to start talking about with anyone when you run out of things to talk about.

I know what you’re thinking.  That’s all he is going to say about verbal conversation?!?!?  Yes it is.  If you follow these guidelines, you will not have a problem having conversations anywhere with anything.

The last issue I want to address is the amount of material here.  There is no way that you jump into a conversation later today or tomorrow and flawlessly implement everything I just say.  It took me quite awhile to even realize all of this was going on in conversation.  Go in order.  Focus on eye contact until it is second nature, then move onto smiling, ect.  I want you to focus on these guidelines until you do them by nature because if you have a regular person’s brain, you cannot keep all of this on your mind and still be paying enough attention to the conversation to not look like a complete space cadet.  So take it easy, take it slow and do it right, you’ll thank me later.