Don't Think, Just Do

Just a quick little tip that I was talking with a friend about last night:  The little details that you can get out of casual conversation with your girl (and remember them) are like little gems.  If she drops a hint about a stuffed monkey, a particular thing she was going to buy, or a show that she always loved to watch when she was a kid, try your hardest to remember it.  Don’t throw them back at her as soon as you hear them though, save them up!  Now, when she is down (sick or something is bothering her), you could find that old show online and have the DVDs ready to give to her or have that stuffed monkey (it might sound corny to some of you out there) and give it to her.  These “little things” will cheer her up tremendously, which is good for both of you.  Also, it will make her even more attracted to your thoughtfulness.  It’s not a difficult thing to do, I guess some guys just don’t think about it but I suggest you start to pay attention to things like this because it can really strengthen your relationship and keep everyone happy.  Of course, this can be used when she is not sick or sad.  I’m a big fan of rose pedals myself, I’m sure you can think up an appropriate way to apply that.

Here is a quick list of what you should really be looking for:

• Any statement that begins with “Aw, I wish…”
• Places she longs to go
• Smells that she enjoys
• Places she loves to eat
  • Particular dishes or desserts she loves
• Favorite books
  • Not for you to buy her, but to read yourself and talk to her about

• Hobbies
  • Example: Piano – Get her some books or maybe learn a song to show her that you are interested in her interests
  • Example: Tennis – Take lessons or learn without her knowing and then challenge her to a game, she’ll be pleasantly surprised you can keep up and will love to have you as a new partner
    • Any sport…  golf, bat mitten, water polo, ect.

• Where she shops
  • Specific brand are good to know too
• Try to hone in on topics she talks about with her girlfriends and try to be familiar yourself, this will open a lot of doors, trust me
• Things that remind her of her childhood
  • GOOD things… that remind her of her childhood

These are just a few examples, as you become more actively aware of these type of things you’ll do just fine.  Just remember to not over do it.  You don’t want to smother her, so be careful to give her plenty of space.  Try to read her body language and see if she is exited to do extra things with you.  If she doesn’t seem exited, don’t let it throw you off, she probably just enjoys doing these things on her own.  All in all, this is very powerful stuff.  So, good luck and have fun!

One of the biggest mistakes guys make is focusing on the initiation of the conversation with a woman to much.  Obviously it is important, but it should be more natural than some make it.  Some try to use a “canned” routine or a pickup line.  This may have success for some people, and I know there are a lot of people out there that are advocating “canned” material for this.  Personally, I think this is just plain stupid, you’re pretty much putting on an act to get a girl?  That doesn’t seem right.  Let’s see how we can start great conversations with girls (or anyone for that matter) the natural way.

When I am starting a conversation with someone I have not met, I do it the same exact way I would with someone I’ve known my whole life.  I make the assumption that whomever it is that I want to talk to is a friendly person.  Now, that is not always the case and you will sometimes get the cold shoulder, but don’t let it get you down, they probably weren’t someone you wanted to talk to anyway.  If I’m at the gym I might comment on some guy that is lifting weights like a maniac, just like I would with my friends.  You talk to your friends in a matter of fact fashion, people are comfortable doing this.  You don’t want to just go up to a girl and start asking her touchy feely questions, although some opinion questions can be good.  Talk to her like a friend, comment on something, and ask her what she thinks about something (is she drinking an exotic drink? Should you get one?).  Just pick something relevant and say something about it.  Which brings me to my next point…

Try not to put too much stress on the beginning of conversations.  For the most part it doesn’t even matter what you say as long as it’s not ridiculous.  Usually by the end of the conversation I could not tell you how it started, I had either forgotten or plainly didn’t care.  Once the encounter has matured into a conversation you and your partner will not remember or care how it started.

If you encounter someone who is not friendly enough to partake in the conversation you are trying to start, don’t fret.  I bet there are plenty of times that if someone were to start talking to you, you would simply blow them off.  People are not always in good moods and people are not always friendly in general.  You are not going to have perfect batting average here (you might have a low batting average depending on where you live actually).  So just don’t let it get to you, play the numbers game, or the shotgun effect, whatever you want to call it.

I don’t know how many articles have a paragraph like this one but I’m going to repeat myself.  You need to practice this.  You are not going to just be a master of starting conversations from the starting line.  In fact, you’ll probably be pretty uncomfortable with it.  But let’s get you out of your comfort zone, which is where the most learning is.  So get out there and try this!  Often!  Also, remember two more things.  This is a skill that is not only good for finding new dates, but is an extremely good skill to have in the business world, being a people person in the business world will bring you to a whole new level.  Secondly, once you start your conversation just follow The Conversation Model.

You’ve got her number!  Now you need to know how to talk to her on the phone and set up a date on the phone, no problem.  If you were comfortable talking with her face to face, then a phone call is even easier, so don’t even fret just follow these few simple rules.

• Pick out three potential dates and times and venues for your date – I’ll explain why in a minute, just make sure they are a few days off and at reasonable times.
• Hum  low tones before you call – Humming will relax your vocal chords and make your voice smoother and lower naturally
• Be to the point and be specific – don’t beat around the bush, you are here to ask her out, so do so… “Hey, this is Joey, we met the other day at the Starbucks.  I’m calling to see if you wanted to go see that movie we were talking about.  I’m free <specific date and time>”  This does a few things.  First, it doesn’t give her time to think about this and you will get her true gut reaction towards you.  Second being to the point and specific about the date and time shows her that you are busy and your time is worth a lot.  If she says she is busy for the specific date and time you offered pretend to be looking at your calendar and then offer the second date you have picked out.  If she says she is busy to three different times then politely say either “Ok, I guess you are not that interested, thank you” or “Ok, I guess I’ll see you around then maybe.”  If she honestly is busy, then she will stop you and try to set up another date.
• Don’t say “umm” – saying things like “ahhhh” or “ummmm” whether in face to face conversation or on the phone is a big no-no so just take my word and stay clear, even while you are pretending to pick another time out of your calendar.
• Get off the phone right after – after you have confirmed, just get out of there with a simple “ok, great I’ll see you then, goodnight” or something to that effect.
• Don’t get to excited about this – keep living your life and don’t think about this date over and over.  It’s just a date, you are going to meet her to see if she is your type of girl that is all.  Otherwise you could psyche yourself out.

Like I said, no problem.  Phone calls are easy!  You are going in with a purpose and you do it and get out, simple as that.  Good luck with this guys, let me know how you do and as always, have fun!

This was always my goal, to find a good girl.  You can define a good girl however you like, but my definition of a good girlfriend is a smart, confident, beautiful, interesting, from a strong family, from an educated family, financially independent, financially knowledgeable, a hard worker, kind, generous, social, an extrovert, patient, a good conversationalist, conservative in lifestyle (does not drink a lot and does not smoke) and a well rounded woman in general.  My ideal catch is well educated, preferably at private schools like myself.  I prefer my ideal woman to have diverse interests such as horseback riding or jumping, piano, dancing, tennis, ect.  As you can see, I like good girls.  You may like a different type of girl than me, but let’s look at how I go about finding my type of woman and you can model it for your own ideals.  Obviously, you are not always going to find an exact match, but it is a good idea to know what you are looking for if you could actually choose your ideal woman.

First off, we need to find out where this type of girl is hiding before we can do anything.  For me, this type of girl was easiest to find through my friends, but since that is not always the case, we’ll see if we can find her a different way.  We have to think of where all these traits converge for the most part, what they have in common.  For what I have listed above, the first things that come to mind are family and money.  Her parents will probably start her off in these types of hobbies when she is young and it is not very cheap to do so, so we’re looking for a strong family with money.  Ok, where do we go to find a strong family with money?  If you’re in high school, I would suggest getting good grades so you can go to a fine institution, which would be the easiest possibility by far.  But for most of us, we’re going to have to start off by going toward the city.  I would think that this type of woman would not be at the bar scene, but some ideas that pop into my head are the library, museums and theater shows.  Now I’ve listed these in particular because they are things that I enjoy to do.  There is no point in looking for a woman somewhere that you never want to go back to again.  It’s obvious she is there because she enjoys being there, so it would be stupid for your first experience together be somewhere you do not enjoy.  Plus, it leaves the door open for you looking like a fool when she asks you a question about the show and you don’t even know what it’s about.

What are we looking for when we get there?  Well, I’m going to be looking for a well kept woman most of all.  When I see a well kept woman, I will move in a little closer to hear her converse with whomever she is talking to, this will give me a chance to see if she has good manners.  If she has these two characteristics I would have a good feeling that this woman has at least half of the qualities I am looking for.  Please keep in mind, you are rarely going to find someone who is completely perfect and if you do she probably already has a boyfriend.  At this point I would be completely comfortable approaching this woman for a couple reasons.  First off, I am interested in her and want to find out more about her to see if she is the woman for me.  Second, because she has already shown class so I would expect a polite rejection when I show her interest (a polite rejection that should be politely accepted).  Note: Rejections from a woman like this will be much more subtle, so keep an eye out.  If she excuses herself to the bathroom while in conversation, there is a good chance she is politely declining you, move on.

Now that we know where and what to look for, let’s figure out how to act.  In all cases, women are looking for confident men.  Confidence is by far the most important trait when it comes to attracting women, we all know that by now.  But now we are trying to attract a particular type of girl, so there are going to be a couple other qualities you might have to adopt to fit her needs.  Again, you can apply this differently to the type of girl you are trying to attract, but we’ll stick with my example for now.  As a general rule of thumb, you want to mirror her actions somewhat (unless shy).  If she acts conservatively, then do the same.  In our case here, she most likely will act conservatively.  Now, let’s think what kind of man this woman would want.  She would want a man that she can show to her parents and parent’s friends and be proud of.  In other words, she will be looking for a respectable, class act, so let’s not be walking around with messy hair and scuffed shoes.  We’ll need to be very well kept for this one.  We also better be damn good conversationalists (which can be achieved though following The Conversation Model, because you know the older rich folk love a good suck up and you know that without the blessing of this woman’s father, you will get absolutely nowhere.  Meeting her parents is a whole different topic in its self, I’ll be sure to write more in depth about it later but basically you want to show them that you are sincere without overdoing it; otherwise they will think you are faking it.

Having a good knowledge of the event you are at is going to get you very far here.  Say you met this girl at the theater.  You should know what the show is about, who the key actors are and generally know what’s up in the realm of theater.  This is important for a couple reasons.  First, it is the ideal topic of your conversation to be started on.  Second, if you don’t seem genuinely interested in theater a red flag may go off in her head and you may be caught or just look like a fool in general.  From here you can try to pick up on those little hints she gives off to direct your conversation like I talked about in The Conversation Model.  As the last point on how to act with this girl, I want to impress the importance of eye contact and sexuality.  Don’t let her think that you just want to talk, you don’t want to start off down the wrong path and end up a “friend.”  Keep those eyes right on hers and think how much you want her so your eyes and body language will tell the story for you.  Note: beware of boyfriends; if they see this from across the room, you better believe they will storm right over so you might want to check if she is single.

Now that we have found our girl, started talking to her and are on our way to attracting her, let’s think about how we are going to close this deal.  Is this the type of girl that would go home with me on the first meeting (in most cases no)?  You really have to try and judge this by the conversation, if she is giving heavy sexual signals back to you then you might want to try it.  Otherwise, I feel that if you find something she likes to do and you ask her to accompany you to do this with her.  For example a different show or horseback riding, whatever she mentions in conversation.  Remember that you are interested in finding out about her, so I’m sure she will be telling you some of her interests.  If she accepts and agrees to do that something with you on a later date, then you can ask for her phone number and call her later about it.  This will always be pretty acceptable and there is almost no way for you to offend her by going about it this way.  This is my preferred method; I would say I use it almost every time I meet a woman I am interested in.  As for the actual phone call, that will be my very next post.

Good luck with this guys, let me know how it goes.  As always, have fun!

Simply put, brush it off.  I remember a poster from grade school; it read “You’ll always miss 100% of the shots that you don’t take.”  Then couple that with some of the best advice ever given to me, which is, “success will only be found after countless failures.”  Now you are on your way, not just with women, but in life.  These mottos should be ingrained in your head because they will do you well in business and life.  Let’s talk about how we’re going to approach this though.

So you’ve just been brutally shut down by a woman, sucks.  What is going through your mind?  You probably have a little self doubt?  Maybe feeling a little depressed?  If so, you are completely opposite of what a winner would be thinking.  You should be thinking “damn, what was the matter with that girl.”  Don’t see it as a problem with you because nine out of ten times it’s not you.  Women will reject you because of things that are going on in their lives; it doesn’t usually have anything to do with you.  You just have to go find a girl that is stable enough to have a relationship or is not already in one.

The mindset I have when meeting new women is that I am looking for someone that will compliment me (trait wise) and is compatible with my lifestyle.  I realize now that that does two things.  First, it is finding me a good woman, instead of just a woman that looks good (yes, there are women that both look good and are intelligent and great people, it is possible, you might have to shop though).  Second, it puts me as the one that is choosing who I will be with, not them.  I am the one that is judging and looking for what I want.

My friends witnessed a pretty hard shut down one time and gave me a hard time about it, joking around with me.  I didn’t understand why at first because as soon as she did that I immediately was not interested in her anymore because I realized that is not the type of girl I wanted to date.  But most men do not look for the qualities in women; they are looking at them from more of a sexual purpose.  We need to break that habit if you are going to be successful with women and successful in life.  I’m not saying not to be interested in attractive women, I’m just saying that if that attractive woman is going to be a bitch to you then it’s not really worth it.

Now for the moral of the story.  Don’t be put down by being rejected, in most cases it is some internal issue with the woman, not you.  You should be the one that is picking a mate, not the other way around and you probably should not be interested in some girl who gives out harsh shut downs.  Shop for qualities that you like, she will pick up on the fact that you are shopping.  Don’t judge just by appearance alone (unless you’re shooting for a one night stand), you can have the hottest girlfriend in the world and be completely miserable, so find someone one who is compatible and attractive.

P.S.  A neat little trick is to keep the entire conversation somewhat jokingly.  If you keep everything in a joking mood then throwing in little (keyword here is little) sexual comments then you are not likely to get shut down.  If you do get shut down this way it will be much less harsh if harsh at all.

Good luck and have fun!

I have recently been interested in the whole notion of “class.”  We hear about it all the time and it is obviously a good trait to have.   This is where I will differ from a lot of other people who give tips out about women.  I am an advocate of being classy in front of women.  I don’t know where it was lost down the line, but swearing or being rude to a woman is out of the question.  Sure, you can use things like negs and not honor her every request to show her you are in charge, but you have to do it in a respectable way.  You can let loose and swear in front of your friends, but let’s keep it a class act for when you are out meeting new people, especially women.  For women, being classy is very difficult, especially when it comes to attire and being seduced.  For men, being classy is most difficult when it comes to seducing women.  Before we get into the details of class in these senses, let’s get a sense of what class entails.

• Hygienic – Keep yourself tidy, trimmed nails, clean ears, neat hair (including facial), neat cloths (preferably stylish, grab some Ralph Lauren or something), shine your shoes if you can, ect. ect.
• Confident – Read this
• Under Control – Keep your cool in all situations, don’t let things shake you up.  If you spill your drink, you are not going to freak out.  If someone tries to start a fight, you are not going to accept and you are going to try and talk the problem out, calm and cool.  Anything that could happen, you have to be calm and cool, under control at all times.
• Choose Your Friends Wisely – Crazy friends = not classy.  Slutty friends = not classy.  I’m not saying you can’t be friends with those types of people if you indeed are, I’m just saying that you might not want to go out with them on all occasions.
• Be Polite – Be polite, especially to whoever owns the place you’re in or works at the place you’re in (this means tipping generously as well).  But remember, this doesn’t mean you are going to be a push over, don’t put yourself in a position of harm for others.  Weigh the pros and cons of your services to others, make business decisions.
• Keep Up to Date – Make sure to be reading the news papers and have a good sense of what is going on around you
• Don’t Talk Politics or Religion – This is important, they are conversation no-nos.  If it is brought up, do your best to steer the conversation in another direction without being rude.
• Be a Conversationalist – Last but undoubtedly not least, this is one of the keys to being a classy person
• Knowledge? – Some may argue that you need knowledge of fine wine, sailing, and cigars as well.  I’m not sure if I completely agree with that.  I believe if you follow the above steps, and you act as a true gentleman then you will have class.  I have seen men who are dirt poor have more class than a rich prick.  Some might say that the poor man has no class, you might even think that, and I am fine to agree to disagree on that topic.

Now that we have some basic ground rules we can take a look at what this has to do with dating.  How are you supposed to seduce a woman while you are being this complete gentleman?  Subtly, that’s how.  A gentleman can be overly nice to her friend, making her a little jealous.  A gentleman can position himself away from her a little bit, showing disinterest.  Then, when she starts showing some interest we can do things like showing it with our eye contact.  Put yourself in her shoes, this classy man has the confidence to be staring right back at her looking her in the eye (letting the woman break eye contact first, because that is what confident men do) while engaged in conversation.  You know she is going to be attracted to that.  Class is just one more notch on the key of knowledge that will unlock the door for you.

Good luck with this, and as always, have fun!

If you are looking to find a sophisticated woman, you should try to be well read.  Look into reading some of the more popular books around.  Go to the bookstore and ask a cute girl what she likes to read.  You should also be subscribing yourself to a few magazines.  I personally read Maxim, Men’s Health, Money, Sports Illustrated, Esquire, and GQ.  I also get a couple news papers from my area.  Now, obviously I do not read all of these magazines cover to cover.  But I try to stay up to date on what’s going on (the news papers are the best for that) and stay up to date on what is hot in pop culture (women will be in most cases), along with always having a book going.  This will put us in a position to be able to relate with people (not just women) a lot more frequently.  If you can sneak some peaks into a Cosmo or something (without losing too much manhood), do so.

You might be thinking that is way too much reading.  My approach was to cut out TV.  I believe that TV is one of the major wastes of time.  Obviously, this is a catch 22 because you won’t be able to relate to people that watch all the hot shows.  That is why I invested in Tivo.  I pick one show to watch and Tivo it (The Daily Show with John Stewart).  That way I don’t waste time on commercials.

Still a virgin?  Who cares.  You really can’t make a big deal out of this, but I know it is a big deal in some people’s minds.  The first thing is to not make up lies telling all your friends you get laid all the time or tell them you could if you want but your religious, or whatever, I’ve heard them all.  Being a virgin is not a bad thing.  Admit to being a virgin when asked, be comfortable with it because, after all, you are a confident person and you are confident with yourself and the things you have done, right?  The fact that you are more conservative sexually is a life choice that many make, and many wish they made later.  Don’t act like something you are not by pretending to be a sexaholic in your spare time.  But enough about that.

If you are a virgin, and you are worried that you will be a virgin for years to come, the first thing you have to do is just get over it.  You will be much less stressed out around girls if you are not contently thinking about sex.  I remember when I was a virgin, if I hooked up with a girl I’d be thinking “is this going to be the one?” the entire time.  It must have distracted me or something, because all the girls I hooked up with while I was thinking that I did not end up having sex with.  It was when I wasn’t thinking about it that I got my first lay (another example of winners not thinking).  The key is not being self-conscience about it all the time.  Admit to it, come to terms with it, embrace it, and forget about it.  Go out and have fun.  Don’t go out trying to get laid, if it happens it happens.  If it doesn’t, then you had an awesome night anyway, so you won’t be thinking or caring about it.

I was witnessing some behavior last night that bothered me a little bit.  It was actually my friend talking to a girl.  He was lying his ass off.  A lot of guys do this, I don’t understand why.  You have to realize that most people, especially women, will see right through this or will at least get a vibe of self-consciousness coming from you.  You want to avoid lying at all costs.  I’m not saying you have to answer every question they want with the cold hard embarrassing or incriminating facts.  Be a politician, dance around the answer.  It’s generally a good rule of thumb to be a little mysterious anyway, just don’t lie.  If you feel the need to conceal information, then answer truthfully but just don’t give out the information you want to keep hidden.  Who cares if the answer doesn’t exactly answer the question, but do try to make it as close as possible or at least change the subject to something that they have to respond to, otherwise you run the risk of being called out.  Adopting this rule will make things greatly easier for you with women and in any other aspect of social life.

It is almost always true that behind every great man is a great woman.  I come from a successful family.  My father successfully built up his own business from nothing and gained financial success and respect among his colleagues and piers.  I give him massive amounts of credit for this, but it would not have been possible without a truly great woman on his team.  My mother was the glue that held everything together.  We were faced with poverty and numerous challenges that my mother would take care of while my father was away.  Now they both have fancy cars, a beautiful home, a second home on an island, a very fast boat, ownership of a valuable business, investments into numerous promising businesses, and two successful sons whom they paid in full to be educated at fine institutions.  This is no light task in my mind.  I feel I am truly blessed to be in a position where I will never feel the poverty that my parents once did, even while I was in college.  But enough about that, let’s talk about why you need a great woman at your side, what qualities to look for, where to find her, and how to be with her.

The reason you need a great woman at your side is easy to see.  She will contribute instead of drain.  If you have a woman that has no particular skill set, then you are going to have to, not only handle everything yourself, but, take care of her as well.  This can be a drain on you and lead to unhappiness, so let’s avoid this.  Also, not to say a run of the mill woman won’t have fun doing nothing all day, but it is more likely that an exceptional woman will have a particular skill set that is beneficial to your partnership and she enjoys.  If she is doing something she enjoys, then she is going to be happy, you are going to be happy, sounds good.  I’m sure you can see that the possibilities for having a good partner is essential to your happiness and success, so I’ll move on.

Here are some qualities that we’re looking for (not necessarily in order, you have to figure out which traits will compliment yours, and when I say compliment, I mean make up for):

• Organized
• Educated (well, good grades go a long way)
• Street Smart
• People Person (Well Liked)
  • Good Communicator
• Positive (This one is more important than most think.  Going home to a negative person everyday would suck and have you thinking negatively)
• Flexible (Not literally, unless you’re into that)
• Honest
• Trustworthy (obviously this is extremely important)
• Confident
• Open-Minded
• Intuition
• Generous
• In Love with You (Hate to drop the “L” word, but if you honestly expect her to be on your team and persevere through all the crap you both will have to go through, there needs to be some love)

Of course, there are plenty of other characteristics that we could put down here, but I think you get the idea.  You are pretty much looking for a Little Goody Two-Shoes that has all the characteristics that, hopefully, balance out your shortcomings.  If you are bad at paying bills, then you probably want a teammate that is good at paperwork and is organized.  If you are not comfortable in social situations and do not like to go out, then an outgoing extravert is probably in order for you.  There are some traits that you will need no matter what.  I think they are easy to pick out, like honesty, education, street smarts ect. ect.

Where do we find a girl like this?  Church (only if you are religious!!!), bookstores, high class sporting events (tennis, equestrian, golf, ect.), college (only if you are still in college…  and not at a party, check the library or get in some high level classes and look around), she’ll be the one who is in control at a party that is full of drunks, coffee shops, and the business world (be careful not to overstep your bounds here and try not to every work at the same place as your partner).  I don’t mean to say that if you go to these places every single woman you meet will be great, obviously, you have to do a little sifting for yourself.

Getting with this type of woman is no different than any other women.  You have to show that you are of great value and that you are wanted by women and well liked by men.  You need to show that you can hold a great conversation and that you are completely confident.  The part that differs from most women here is how to keep them.  Unlike most women, that you are mostly physically attracted to, this woman is not only physically attractive, but mentally attractive.  She will not be interested in the games that lesser women partake in.  You will need genuine flattery, but do not be clingy.  Show her that you care, but in a 3^rd party way.  Send flowers to her work so all her co-workers can see.  She’ll love the jealousy that all her co-workers will feel with that one.  You need to make her feel important and you need to do everything you can to make sure she is having fun with you no matter what.  Go out of your way to see her, it will show her that you really are sincere and not just trying to pick her up.  This type of woman is not looking for a fling (in most cases), and you shouldn’t be either if you’ve found one, so don’t portray it that way!

Don’t think you are going to get a great woman if you are not a great man yourself.  They will see right though you and move on to the next man waiting in their long line.  Don’t look at this negatively, look at it as just yet another reason why you should be constantly improving yourself.

This is a tough topic, but I think it can honestly make or break your entire life.  Finding a compatible and great woman is extremely important to your success and happiness in the long run.  So, once you are done philandering about, look high and low for one of these women.  If you find one, do everything you can to get her, and keep her.  If you are having troubles with getting or keeping one that you’ve found, contact me, I can help, I grew up with one (my mother) and now I have one of my own.   Have fun!